This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
