Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm like, not good at living.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
