Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
