he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
