im about as happy as oj after his trial
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
