i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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