There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
