I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
