I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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