I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
