You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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