I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
