My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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