Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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