none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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