worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He passed out mid-signature
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
