I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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