woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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