I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
