K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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