Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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