Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
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I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
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You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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