i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
