At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
