um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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