shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
