the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
