i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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