Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
