hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
