sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize