I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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