what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
