i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
