he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
