What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
