So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
