He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
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The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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