Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
