I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
