You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Damn victory sex feels great
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
