I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
