answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
