i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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