Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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