but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
