I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
