i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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