I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
