What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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