Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
