How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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