Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
