she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
